Campaigning a horse on the breed circuit requires dedication, sacrifice and commitment. Most often, one spouse competes while the other offers support and encouragement from the rail. However, many couples have found the most enjoyment when they’re both riding and showing. It provides opportunities for spending time together and enjoying one another’s company. While competing can bring added enjoyment to a marriage, it can also introduce stress in a relationship. We consult trainers, marriage counselors and married couples on how to make it work.

Competition brings enjoyment and stresses to a relationship.

“Each event/competition can be fun if it’s kept in perspective,” says Dr. Mark Hillman, Ph.D. and Licensed Mental Health Counselor. In his opinion while competition is fun, couples should avoid competing directly against one another.  “It’s sort of like couples who work together, you bring your personal stuff to work and your work stuff home, not a good thing for a marriage.”

Riding in different divisions or disciplines allows both spouses the opportunity to ride hard for the win. Trainer Pierre Briere of Hunterdon County, New Jersey coaches couple John and Beth McNichol, of Hardwick, New Jersey, and looks for every opportunity to enter his clients in different divisions. Both ride Western Pleasure and “if I have the option of having them show in separate classes, I will,” Briere says.

He enters John in Amateur classes and Beth in Select classes.

“I think when couples compete against one another it’s a little bit more of a soft, laid back approach,” he explains, “if I keep it separate I think they try harder, do better and perform better.”

John will soon become eligible for the Select division, but has no intentions of competing against Beth. “Personally, I won’t compete against her because I don’t want to be beat by her,” John says.

Until recently Dr. Marriann Harrington and husband Joe Prause of H&P Ranch in Cabot, Arkansas, competed against one another in Western Pleasure events. This year, Joe’s learning Reining and Ranch Horse Pleasure.

“I think the reason he decided to try something different is because he doesn’t want us to compete against one another,” Dr. Harrington says.

The men in the Cognetti family have always ridden Western Pleasure and the women ride Hunters.  Elise and Richard of Gouverneur, New York have competed in Quarter Horse shows nearly all their lives. When their children were young, they too competed.

“When they (the children) stopped showing, we just kept on going. It’s the love of showing that carries everyone through,” Elise adds.

Specializing in different disciplines also allows couples with children the flexibility to juggle show prep and the family’s needs.

“It makes it kind of nice doing different events and it helps when we bring our son to horse shows,” Cindy Snapp of Snapp Show Stock Paint Horses in Ohio explains.

She competes in Hunter Under Saddle events and husband, Tim, competes in Western Pleasure in the Paint Horse and NSBA circuits.

“One of us has to be there for our 7-year old son, Casey,” she adds.

Spike (Elizabeth) and Jody Brewer, Wilson, North Carolina, who are expecting their first child, agree that competing in different disciplines will help ease the transition into parenthood after their first child arrives in August 2014.

“It’s a huge change, we’re so excited and scared at the same time,” Spike says. “We have enough support from family and friends to make it work.”

Briere points out, that while this approach works for some couples, it doesn’t necessarily work for every couple.

“It depends on the couple and their personalities,” he says.

Though Michael and Justine Tidwell, of Cartersville, Georgia, are fiercely competitive in nature, showing horses is one area where they don’t do battle. “Horses are the one thing we’ve never argued about,” Justine said. There have been times that they couldn’t agree what color to paint a room in their house for hours on end, but there are no disagreements about the horses. “It just works and flows for us,” she added.

While the couple competed against one another in Hunter Under Saddle events when they were newlyweds, over time they have diversified and specialized. Michael now competes in Western Pleasure and Horsemanship, while Justine shows Hunt Seat Equitation, Horsemanship and Trail. Justine has also gravitated toward PHBA

and AQHA events and Michael toward AQHA and futurities.

“We concentrate on the positive aspects of the whole thing and move forward. We look forward to doing even better at the next show,” Linda Berwick says.

Divide and conquer

It’s true that many hands make light work. And as competitive riders know there is an endless list of chores to be done before heading into the show pen. Through the years of showing together, each couple has developed a routine that makes each spouse responsible for specific aspects of the prep process.

“Usually, I’ll get up early to band and Beth will put the tails in,” John McNichol explains.

“Ronnie longes most of the time and saddles and I clean stalls, band and put the tails in,” Vickie Kent adds.

Most couples agree that the husband handles the heavy lifting and the women handle the details, organizing entries,show clothes, food to be packed, etc.

“Donnie does all the heavy lifting and saddling and I get all the entries in,” Penny Daigler says.

Working together gives the couples an advantage of taking a team approach to getting it all done.

“We work as a team for each other to get it all done,” Linda Sergeant says.

Give and take

Competing, especially at breed shows, requires give and take. There are times when one spouse will take the back seat to the other, either because of family commitments, job responsibilities or because the horse was sold.

Preparation and planning ease the stress

“We work to set realistic goals and expectations for the year,” says Jason English, owner of Jason English Quarter Horses in Covington, Georgia, and the Tidwell’s trainer, “we create a plan at the first part of the year and they stick with it.”

With their son, Ross, in school, The Tidwells juggle the school calendar and Michael’s business to make it all work. There are times the couple passes on a large show because Michael’s business requires his full attention.

“She always respects that if a big show is coming up and I have to work then we can’t go,” Michael says. “It’s what pays the bills,” Justine adds, “and you have to have a trainer that understands your priorities and respects them and Jason does.”

Couples like Penny and Don Daigler, Lockport, New York, have been showing together and competing against one another for years.

“We’ve been married 40 years and we’ve shown all those years,” Penny says. “It’s not just about shows, it’s about working together and helping each other out.”

Even though she and Don, compete against one another in Western Pleasure, events they always find themselves cheering for the other person to win.

Even when Linda and Jeff Sergeant of Eustis, Florida, are chasing world titles and Congress championships riding against one another in Amateur and/or Select Western Pleasure, each ride is about improving oneself and not about beating the other. “We don’t consider it competing against one another,” Linda explained, “we do the very best job we can and improve each ride.”

Keeping it in perspective is imperative.

“If it’s solely about winning you’re not going to enjoy it,” Ronnie Kent of RV Quarter Horses, Graceville, Florida, says. He and wife, Vickie, compete against one another in Western Pleasure and Trail.

“For us it’s not a problem, we love each other and want to see each other do well,” Vickie adds.

Focusing on continued improvement rather than the win helps Linda and Scott Berwick, Ottawa, Canada, handle the stress of competing against one another in Western Pleasure events. Consistent improvement for horse and rider is important for finding enjoyment in showing.

Competing requires a lot of a couple’s time and financial resources leaving less of both for additional travel or vacation.

“We both agree that this (showing) is going to be our vacation time,” Michael says. While traveling the Tidwells try to incorporate an activity away from the show pen for their son Ross to enjoy. “We went to the zoo in Tulsa, Oklahoma and the stock yards in Fort Worth, Texas,” they said, “we have a good dinner somewhere one night and sight see a little bit so it breaks it up.”

United in marriage, separated in competition

For some couples, space, individual lessons and one-on-one prep time with the trainer are necessary to maintaining harmony at the barn, the show and at home.

“We stay out of each other’s way and that takes the stress out of it,” Beth McNichol says. John explains that he rides three or four times a week by himself.  “I feel I get more attention from Pierre that way and on the weekends we go together,” he says.

Dr. Harrington finds the private lessons work well for her and Joe. “We don’t practice at the same time; we practice with the horse trainer by ourselves. We feel like we’re each getting the best opportunity to do well,” she says.

While giving one another plenty of space is ideal for some, others, like Vickie and Ronnie Kent, find enjoyment in riding together.  “We practice together and tell each other what’s right and what’s wrong,” Vickie says.

The Snapps agree, “it’s great to just ride together, we do most of it ourselves  and we’re there for each other in showing like we are in marriage.”

The Tidwells also rely on one another for support and constructive criticism. “We figured out real quick that we could help each other out, especially when we were on our own for awhile,” they said.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then come horses

The key to finding harmony in the barn, at the show and at home is about maintaining perspective.

“It’s important to discuss as a couple their core values and priorities,” Dr. Hillman, says, “it’s important to avoid bringing the stress of competition into the home, especially into the bedroom.”

Spending time together outside the horse industry helps keep things balanced.

“Horses are our hobby, they are not our sole source of happiness,” Spike Brewer says. “We love each other and stand by one another and it always seems to work out.”

“All of us are competitive and it’s hard to keep from wanting to beat everyone, but we have to remember that we’re doing this for fun and entertainment,” Dr. Harrington concludes, “and if we can’t do that then we shouldn’t compete.”

At the end of each class and the conclusion of each show, the experience is truly about having fun and enjoying one another’s company. “We just have fun and try not to make everything too serious,” Linda Sergeant concludes, “it has to be enjoyable if you’re not having a good time then it’s not worth doing it.”